Collect one half-gallon bottle of Everclear, one quart of Blue Curaco, one gallon of premium orange juice, one gallon of unsweetened pineapple juice, and a five gallon bucket. Dump everything into the five gallon bucket. If you want to measure things out for a smaller batch, the formula is: 1 part Blue Curacuo, 2 parts Everclear, 4 parts orange juice, and 4 parts pineapple juice. Slowly stir with the big wooden salad spoon while chanting "Green Gorilla Punch Really Fucks You Up" — you need to chant this phrase thirteen times while wearing a pair of boxer shorts on your head. Separate into smaller containers and enjoy.

After observing the varied effects gorilla punch had on the nervous system of primates, we worked out the following formula, based on the standard 12 oz. plastic cup:



1 GLASS of gorilla punch is roughly equivalent to 4 beers, and will give you a mild buzz.

2 GLASSES will get you drunk, but you’ll still be somewhat functional.

3 GLASSES will fuck you up, and you will feel compelled to do all sorts of stupid shit.

4 GLASSES will make you go totally batshit.

5 GLASSES . . . no-one had more than 4 glasses, and we do not wish to speculate on what might’ve occurred if they had. The scariest thing about this stuff was that nobody passed out from overimbibing — indeed, it seemed to imbue those who partook with an abundance of energy. People would be jumping about, cackling like lunatics, and it was obvious that they’d been possessed by the alcohol demons. We learned to fear and respect this stuff.